Travel

travel verb1 [ intrans. ] make a journey, typically of some length or abroad : the vessel had been traveling from Libya to Ireland | we traveled thousands of miles.

I've been back in the UK for about three months now, training and drawing and learning and generally trying to make sense of my plans for the next 18 months. The tension of applying for the funding and all that it entails as far as my future is getting fierce. In a couple of weeks, one way or the other, it will be decided. Either I get the finances in place, or I don't. Frankly it's worrying me to a quite inordinate degree.

I've created another blog (my, how the illness spreads) to document what will hopefully be 18 months that begins the next 40 or 50 years of my working life. It's scary to think about it that way but it's an honest truth. 

I came across this website - although by came across I mean I found it through a link from Penny Arcade - and proceeded to write a very rambling e-mail to the owner offering any and all services that I might be able to provide, although I don't know what they'll think when they read it. I thought it was important to make the offer though. When you hear about other people's troubles, and the hardships that life can have sometimes, it makes your own situation seem more than a little trivial. 

I'm not sure if or when I'll be posting here next - but my new blog is here - and I'll be trying to make at least weekly posts once I actually start my course. If I can't start, for whatever reason, I'll still be posting bits and pieces as I work on them. Fingers crossed I'll be boring you all with Animation Mentor-related bits of fluff in the near future.

Rain

It’s tumbling past the window as I write this; it’s Japanese rain, the country of mountains shrouded in mist, which means a simple walk to the local convenience store, the closest thing I have to a corner shop, involves getting thoroughly wet. I took a moment on the way home to just stop and enjoy that feeling of freshness as the rain falls on you and you’re getting soaked but you don’t mind. I think in this culture especially, that always has an umbrella handy, is perpetually afraid of colds and rushes into the hospital for medicine at the first signs of sniffling, that something like enjoying the rain would be bizarre. It’d be an idea that simply wouldn’t cross their minds.

I need to get on with applying for loans and arranging finance and all the other things I have to do in order to sort out my loan situation. It’s a little hard to feel urgent about it but at the same time I really need to get cracking with it all and not have too much to worry about in May and the start of June. I’ve kind of had the motivation and the drive knocked out of me – I had it before I got turned down for the money, if it happens again I’m not sure what I’ll do. But I do know I need to start working harder on the individual projects that I have surrounding me at the moment.

I just watched Rives on a podcast that I have stored on my hard drive and once again am simply blown away by how deftly he can weave words. The description on the ‘cast says ‘lyrical origami’ and there just isn’t a better description as far as I can see. He’s amazingly good. But I’m discovering that poetry in general and words and people have a power to involve me and move me in a way that I never realised was possible.

At any rate, it’s late and I have a date with my bed and slumber and dreams of a different way.

Travel Broadens The Mind

One of the books that we use when we are supposedly teaching English is called Market Leader – it’s a business text, which means that it has language like ‘human resources’ in it as opposed to ‘what I did at the weekend’. In a way this is a little disappointing because if you go through this book you can hold a meeting but you can’t have a casual chat in a lift, which is really what makes business interesting I think. Anyway, the start of every unit features a quote and the title of this blog was the one that I saw most recently. I thought it was appropriate.

I’m into the final stages of sorting out coming home, my notice is in, my holiday request is in, now it’s just hauling my bones through the motions until I get on that flight in Narita and bid goodbye to Japan, at least for a while. I’d definitely like to come back here with a decent camera and some time on my hands and wander the streets, shooting as much of the visual information that bombards me on a daily basis as possible. One thing that I do regret about coming back is that I’ve not been able to get myself a camera, and I’ve wanted a decent, good quality camera for a long, long time. There are some quite amazing digital cameras here that I’d love to be able to purchase and take back with me but the cost is so exorbitantly high there’s just no way I’ll be able to. Not to mention I’m supposed to be saving for my course.

I’m waiting to start the animation course at the end of June, after trying and failing to get the money sorted out for the end of March. In one way it was frustrating because I so desperately wanted to get started and get moving on the pursuit of a career in animation but it just wasn’t going to happen without the career development loan that I need to pay for the course. Having been told it would be totally fine to get the loan without being in the UK, this turned out to not be the case. At the moment I’m trying to relight that desire and drive that I had before I got knocked back.

Coming home is giving me mixed feelings. It’ll be nice to be back in the UK, and nice to see my family and all my friends in London. At the same time I will be very sad to leave behind some of my students and friends that I’ve made here. I’m going home to a lot of uncertainty, a lot of hard work and a lot of worry – I hope that it will be worth it. I hope that all of this that I’m struggling for and struggling with will be worth it in the end. I guess you never really know.

But my mind’s been broadened, anyway. So that’s one good thing.

Doubt and Determination

doubt – noun 

a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction 

So I’ve applied for an animation course. I’ve been accepted onto said animation course. Specifically, it’s this course right here. I first came across Animation Mentor a while ago, when I was working in the graphic design studio. I thought it was interesting, although I had the usual trepidation about an online course (I got burned with the online TEFL course that I paid for before I came to Japan). This seemed different though; seeing the people who were actually mentors, seeing the people that had set it up, really sold me on the whole thing. What stopped me was the money. 

Then I moved to Japan. I got a loan to buy my MacBook Pro, which I love, and to pay off the remnants of the loan I had taken out to pay for my first car, which I loved but had no need for as I was leaving the country. So I have that loan. Now I am applying for a career development loan. Admittedly I don’t have to worry about repayments until 2009, but it’s still a hefty chunk of cash (another 7 grand). Not to mention that I will also have to stump up a chunk of the money to pay for the fees myself. Irritatingly, if I was at this point in time unemployed and had been for three months, I could apply to cover all the fees and not worry so much about having to find cash up-front. All the forms went into the post today and in a way I feel like I should be relaxing, because it’s done and now I just have to wait. 

But I have doubt. I am doubting myself. I am worried about the future. I am worrying. 

I am worried about finding the money, I am worried about finding the time, I am worried that this thing I have noodled around with for so long and been chasing for so long will turn out to not be the fulfilling rewarding experience and career that I think it will be. I am worried about coming back to the UK and not being able to find a job, having to meet loan repayments, having nothing and no one to fall back on because I don’t want to bother my parents. I’m worried about getting stuck back in that loft bedroom, noodling around. When I was at university people would tell me they thought I’d be the one to go far. So far I have gone nowhere but sideways. 

My family and especially my mother would say to me that this is how the world is sometimes. That you don’t always get what you want, that sometimes you have to settle for not getting it. That to me is akin to giving up, something that I am very against. 

Which brings me to my next word: 

determination – noun 

firmness of purpose; resoluteness : he advanced with an unflinching determination. 

This is a sign of my determination. This is what I will not be denied. This is my thing that I will not stop advancing towards and this is my thing that I will not give up on. This is my thing that’s worth jumping off the cliff for. I’m working to have a parachute ready before I do that – but it’s still a scary thing to contemplate. 

Sometime in my life, I want to go BASE jumping. I want that feeling. I have a little of it now. Mostly I just feel like I’m fighting myself. 

In other news, I think that this is really rather beautiful, and should be enjoyed by all. We Feel Fine.

I haven't got much time to waste 

It's time to make my way 

I'm not afraid of what I'll face 

But I'm afraid to stay 

I'm going down my road and I can make it alone 

I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own 

Madonna - Jump

Coming Back

So writing a regular blog is going really well, huh?

It’s three in the morning in Japan, and I’m sitting beneath my covers trying not to shiver in the cold air. The flat has a tendency to drop in temperature quite a lot when the sun goes down. Tomorrow is my last day of teaching before I go home, and while that in the past would’ve filled me with a certain amount of anxiety, at the moment it’s just one more hurdle to coming home. The week has gone by exceedingly quickly, and now I’m on what might well be my last full night of sleep before getting to the airport and getting on that plane and getting on my way.

Or rather it would be, if I was not still awake.

Recently I’ve discovered the TED podcasts. For those of you who are reading this (few that you are – essentially my family and anyone else that happens to stumble across this page), TED is a conference that’s been running for a few years now, and it invites people from all over the world to come and share their ideas. For me, it’s an amazing chance to watch video of people who are exceedingly smart and capable and are really doing something with their lives. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment and Design, three things that fascinate me anyway, and getting this viewpoint into some of the new ideas, technologies and concepts that come from myriad branches of science. It’s astounding to watch, it’s great for me on a purely intellectual level to see all of this stuff and learn all of these things, and in some cases even hope to understand them.

What it does, on the other hand, is make me wonder what the **** am I doing with my life? There are people that can work that hard and produce such amazing things, why am I sitting around half-heartedly trying to do things? One of the videos said that decision was the ultimate empowering factor. Said by a guy called Tony Robbins, who works towards empowering people or motivating people (something ironically he says is not really the case). I’m not going to try and paraphrase it here, look it up on iTunes and subscribe. Broaden your mind a little, then insert a crowbar into that gap and widen it a whole lot further.

There are videos of people that create astoundingly beautiful simulations of dataflow. That have created homes for people in Africa that consist of hemp and an air pump. That are redefining the laws of physics and looking at the way that we love. Artists and musicians that blow me away with their talent and the effort that they have put into doing what they do – and I come back to the question, what the **** am I doing with my life?

I have the dream; I’ve not taken any steps towards it yet. There are better ways to spend my time than to spend it wishing and hoping – far more productive ways. But I’ll still do those things, because I’m a dreamer. Can I put my hands in my head? Oh no. But I can make these hands draw what’s in my head, build what’s in my head, type and scribble and scratch out stories and ideas and concepts and I can keep chasing the dream.

It’s a couple of weeks early for a New Year’s Resolution, but it sounds good to me. Now I have to find the best way to do that, the best way for me, the choices that I make for myself. Which seems selfish, but then maybe that’s the power of decision all over. I’m not sure. I don’t make choices for myself, I don’t always put myself first, I work really hard at not doing that, about being careful about thinking before acting – but eventually you have to act.

 Action is the ultimate power. 

Decision to act is the impetuous behind it.

Being Away

grief -noun

1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

It’s one of those things that you worry about when you’re leaving the country for any period of time. There’s so many questions that you don’t have answers to, so many things that you worry about. The things that I was worrying about before I left were all things for me. It never crossed my mind that maybe when I came back some people wouldn’t be there.

On Wednesday morning, one day after his eightieth birthday, my grandfather collapsed in the street in a local town and died. My brother sent me an e-mail that I got that night, 9 hours ahead of UK time so I don’t know when it was in the UK. My grandmother had to go to the hospital and identify him for the police. My uncle burst into tears on the phone when my mum called him and told him. My father and my uncle hugged for the longest time my mother has ever seen – and this is my father, the reserved and quiet rock in my life that I’ve always been able to rely on. This is my family being really upset and that’s what gets to me the most, out of all of this. When I think about my grandad not being there at Christmas it breaks me up. When I think about my father being upset everything is a thousand times worse. He was my grandad. We used to joke about some of the things he’d do, some of the ways he’d act, but he was my grandad and he was great just because of that.

Strange times that I’m living in. I find myself getting upset and crying at the strangest things. I find myself getting upset every time I have to talk to someone about it. I guess with not thinking about it I get through the day and the teaching but then thinking about my family and everybody just makes it worse. Now my whole family is going through hell and I’m six thousand miles away. Everyone here’s been really good about it and everyone back home are trying to make me feel involved. I know that logically if I was back in the UK there’s very little I’d be able to do.

I still wish there was more I could do anyway.

Working More Living Less

creative — adjective
1. having the quality or power of creating.
2. resulting from originality of thought, expression, etc.; imaginative: creative writing.
3. originative; productive (usually followed by of).
4. Facetious. using or creating exaggerated or skewed data, information, etc.: creative bookkeeping.

At the moment I’m looking down the barrel of three back-to-back six days weeks, which will not be a huge amount of fun and definitely won’t give me a lot of time to get out and see Tokyo that much. It’s a bit grieving to go from being a relative important member of a small team to essentially another minion in the wheel of education but I’m trying to keep my chin up and see the funny side as much as possible. When I find a funny side, I’ll be sure to let you know, dear reader. Whomever may be reading this.

On the subject of creativity I am finding some time to sketch, at least ideas and the like, but unfortunately the time spent drawing from life and generally working to improve qualities like drawing are limited, if not non-existent. I need to have some time to work on these things and at the same time I’m still keen to get out and see as much of Tokyo as is generally considered possible. It’s a tricky balancing act and one that I have yet to master I think. It’s too hard to work when I get home from school, I’m just too tired and have yet to master the knack of getting up early. Sometimes I can manage it, sometimes I just spend too long lounging in bed. Writing more and drawing more. Way forward.

Actually a job I can do were I can be creative is really what I’m seeking, more than anything else. A job which is fun, a job where I can create new things and produce things that tell the stories and dreams that I want to tell. A job where I’m working with people that have the same kind of ideals and are working towards the same kind of things. Being able to get up every morning and breathe new life into something would be so fantastic. Creativity is what I thrive on, it’s the times when I’m happiest – although I realise that I have to be more thick-skinned about the things that I work on as they will be shot down time and time again. It’s one of the things I think I would find hardest is pitching, and creating successful pitches at that.

In the near future I also hope to create some more art, I’m trying to move towards a point where I can start creating something that I actually own, rather than the situation I find myself in at the moment, in that I’m doing work that I do really like, and that I think is decent and interesting, but I can’t go about selling it because it uses a lot of stock. Maybe I can do some footwork in that direction and try and get releases to sell things. Anything that brings in a little money is a good thing I think.

Time to get some of that sleep. Good night from Tokyo.