doubt – noun
a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction
So I’ve applied for an animation course. I’ve been accepted onto said animation course. Specifically, it’s this course right here. I first came across Animation Mentor a while ago, when I was working in the graphic design studio. I thought it was interesting, although I had the usual trepidation about an online course (I got burned with the online TEFL course that I paid for before I came to Japan). This seemed different though; seeing the people who were actually mentors, seeing the people that had set it up, really sold me on the whole thing. What stopped me was the money.
Then I moved to Japan. I got a loan to buy my MacBook Pro, which I love, and to pay off the remnants of the loan I had taken out to pay for my first car, which I loved but had no need for as I was leaving the country. So I have that loan. Now I am applying for a career development loan. Admittedly I don’t have to worry about repayments until 2009, but it’s still a hefty chunk of cash (another 7 grand). Not to mention that I will also have to stump up a chunk of the money to pay for the fees myself. Irritatingly, if I was at this point in time unemployed and had been for three months, I could apply to cover all the fees and not worry so much about having to find cash up-front. All the forms went into the post today and in a way I feel like I should be relaxing, because it’s done and now I just have to wait.
But I have doubt. I am doubting myself. I am worried about the future. I am worrying.
I am worried about finding the money, I am worried about finding the time, I am worried that this thing I have noodled around with for so long and been chasing for so long will turn out to not be the fulfilling rewarding experience and career that I think it will be. I am worried about coming back to the UK and not being able to find a job, having to meet loan repayments, having nothing and no one to fall back on because I don’t want to bother my parents. I’m worried about getting stuck back in that loft bedroom, noodling around. When I was at university people would tell me they thought I’d be the one to go far. So far I have gone nowhere but sideways.
My family and especially my mother would say to me that this is how the world is sometimes. That you don’t always get what you want, that sometimes you have to settle for not getting it. That to me is akin to giving up, something that I am very against.
Which brings me to my next word:
determination – noun
firmness of purpose; resoluteness : he advanced with an unflinching determination.
This is a sign of my determination. This is what I will not be denied. This is my thing that I will not stop advancing towards and this is my thing that I will not give up on. This is my thing that’s worth jumping off the cliff for. I’m working to have a parachute ready before I do that – but it’s still a scary thing to contemplate.
Sometime in my life, I want to go BASE jumping. I want that feeling. I have a little of it now. Mostly I just feel like I’m fighting myself.
In other news, I think that this is really rather beautiful, and should be enjoyed by all. We Feel Fine.
I haven't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own
Madonna - Jump
